ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ??????
You may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn , you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered sea t because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Your daily giggle…
What celebs order at Starbucks…
Here's the lo
wdown on the pick-me-ups of the luxe and famous -- from our friends at Celebrity Starbucks and Starbucks Gossip.
The Vanillas:
Britney Spears -- Vanilla Frappuccino
Hayden Panettiere -- Vanilla Grande Non-Fat Chai
Mary Kate Olsen -- Vanilla Venti Sugar-Free Non-Fat Frappuccino
Paula Abdul -- Vanilla Soy Chai
The Lactose Intolerants:
Heidi Klum -- Soy Latte
Shakira -- Soy Latte (Extra Hot!)
Reese Witherspoon -- Grande Almond Soy Latte (Strong, please!)
Katie Holmes -- Half Caf Grande Soy Latte
Fancy Pants:
Dita Von Teese -- Gingerbread Latte with Whipped Cream
Ashton Kutcher -- Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato
Renée Zellwegger -- Venti Blueberry & Cream Frappuccino
Derek Jeter -- Venti Java Chip Frappuccino
The Skinnies:
Tyra Banks -- Non-Fat Latte
Nicole Kidman -- Triple Grande Skim Wet Cappuccino
Michelle Pfeiffer -- Grande Non-Fat Latte
Bill Cosby -- Triple Non-Fat Extra Hot No Foam Latte
Drinkin' It Old School:
Ben Affleck -- Tall Iced Americano
Dax Shepard -- Tall Black Drip Coffee
Kirsten Dunst -- Tall Drip Coffee
Elijah Wood -- Venti Iced Espresso (4 shots)
Tea Totalers:
Lindsay Lohan -- Grande Iced Tazo Green Tea
Rumer Willis -- Grande Iced Tazo Green Tea
Bruce Willis -- Chai
Steven Speilberg -- Chai
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT." He didn't seem angry in the least. (Whew, I got away with that one!) Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, crap.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
**Giggle**
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
You go girl...
Marie Osmond, recently seen tapping her toes in “Dancing With the Stars,” will return to center stage, agreeing to a deal with syndicator Program Partners for upcoming daytime talk show "Marie," set to launch in fall 2009.
"I like the philosophy that Program Partners brought to the table," Ms. Osmond said Tuesday at a NATPE press conference announcing the show. "They're giving me the freedom to do some things that I feel strongly about, and the timing is right for a show like this."
Ms. Osmond first hit the airwaves in 1976 in prime-time series “Donny & Marie.” She returned to television first in the 1995 ABC sitcom “Maybe This Time” and then with brother Donny in 1998 to co-host “Donny and Marie,” a talk/entertainment show from Sony that lasted two seasons.
Program Partners now becomes the first distrib to officially announce programming for fall 2009. Other series rumored to be in the pipeline include "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" from Twentieth and "Power of 10" from Sony.
The new show comes on the heels of Ms. Osmond's success on “Dancing Wth the Stars,” in which she finished third. She also drew national attention for personal traumas during the competition, including fainting during week five and her father's death in week seven.
Program Partners also is distributing “Family Court” for the fall season.
"Marie Osmond is unique in this industry," said Josh Raphaelson, co-founder of Program Partners. "She is a star with an authenticity that makes her relatable to every woman in AmericaHave a Happy Period...
She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior.. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'
Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Thanks, Jen for a goodie... ~ jan
Posts
